‘For the first time I could talk about what had happened’

 

‘For the first time I could talk about what had happened’

BIG ISSUE NORTH 10 - 16 JANUARY

When Sasha’s ex-partner broke a formal agreement to stop stalking and harassing her and even travelled 900 miles to keep up his threats, she sought safety in a women’s refuge. Now living in another city free from the threat and able to live a fulfilling life, she describes the value of her eight months in the refuge. Interview: Mark Metcalf

 

In our last edition we reported on women’s refuges 50 years after campaigner Erin Pizzey set up the first one in Chiswick. Refuges provide a safe place to stay for women – and some men – who have been the victims of domestic violence. Those who run them have also, over the years, brought changes in the law to help women and helped train police and public bodies in how to understand domestic violence. According to the ONS, 1.6 million women aged 16 to 74 years experienced domestic abuse in 2019-20. But the 261 refuges in the country have to turn away people in need each day. There is a shortfall in their government funding of around £200 million, according to the charity Women’s Aid. Sasha*, a survivor of domestic violence, explains just how important women’s refuges are.

Why was it necessary for you to enter a refuge?

Sasha: Over many years I was harassed and stalked by my ex-partner. It became impossible to live in my hometown. He would show up at the homes of my friends and family demanding to know where I was, he made threats to harm me and himself if he wasn’t given information he wanted. One time he travelled almost 900 miles looking to find me. His friends and some family members would report my whereabouts to him and publicly harass me and so I would spend less time outside, becoming anxious and deeply depressed.

I kept all of my social media private, limited the friends I made to ensure no parts of my life would get back to him and avoided public events so I could reduce the risk of being seen.

Eventually my ex-partner escalated his threats from vague messages about how I needed to “watch out” to specific allusions that he would kill himself and that it would be my fault.

When I finally sought help for his many years of verbal, mental and emotional abuse he was told by police in no uncertain terms to stop harassing me. He signed an agreement stating he would stay away from me. He broke this at least four times over the following months, finally again showing up at my house.

 I was forced to leave the job I loved. I moved away from my friends, family and support network to live in a refuge in another city where I remained throughout legal proceedings.

It was devastating uprooting my life overnight but it was better for my wellbeing. For the first time I could talk about what had happened and the impact it had had on my mental health and sense of self.

For years I missed out on many things I wanted to do with my loved ones and found it hard to feel happy or look forward to anything. I constantly feared what my ex would say or do next, and what would happen if I ever reported it.

I thought I was better off saying nothing and keeping my head down. I now realise how much it took from me to keep everything to myself and how hard it was on my friends and family to see him break me knowing they couldn’t help.

What was it like living in a refuge?

At first it was a relief to be in a city where I knew no one and was unknown. But it was also tough to trust that I was able to relax and go for a walk or run errands in the city without having to factor in who might see me. I sought to make myself as inconspicuous as possible.

The isolation and solitude could be quite hard because I couldn’t hang out with my friends and I missed important moments in people’s lives. I couldn’t spend time with my family doing ordinary stuff like dog walks but they always made an effort to see me whenever possible and kept me in the loop – which I appreciated.

 I was always acutely aware that it’s not “normal” to have to hide your whereabouts from the people in your life to such an extent that they could only really know which city I lived in. When they visited I met them at a designated meeting place away from the refuge. But it keeps yourself and others safe, and though you may not know the stories of the other women and children in the refuge, you can relate to their need to have security and anonymity.

Despite its downsides the refuge was still a sanctuary. It was the one place where I wasn’t treated as a victim or like I was inherently delicate or broken. I still am a person who experienced horrible, scary things but there’s more to me than that. The refuge granted me the space to figure out who I was again, time to learn new skills like coding and peace of mind knowing I could live normally again.

The first refuge opened 50 years ago...

I dread to think how many women and children have needed to use refuge services in those 50 years, but I’m so grateful that that support system was there for them and hopefully it kept them safe and gave them a way to start fresh.

Refuges are incredibly important safety nets. Having lived in one for eight months I have seen how much goes into ensuring that women feel safe, empowered and advocated for.

Having all-women staff and support workers that listen to you, treat you with care and compassion and seek out the help and support you need without judgment is really validating. I can’t thank those women enough.

How is life since leaving the refuge?

 I was very fortunate to have been taken seriously by the police, to have had legal support throughout the court proceedings and to have successfully obtained a stalking protection order so my ex cannot come near me for the next five years. I’ve gained some of my life back.

It’s taken a lot of therapy and time for me to leave the constant state of survival mode I existed in for so long, but I finally feel like I can look forward to progressing in my life and career and to be able to focus on what I want rather than what will keep me safe.

Since leaving the refuge I’ve moved to a new city and taken the leap to go self-employed. I’m doing work in my local area planning and delivering workshops around race and identity and encouraging schools and communities to implement programming that celebrates diversity and inclusion.

 I’d like to build my business to cover more of the city and offer arts-based initiatives to people in communities that need them most. I’ve always been passionate about grassroots initiatives and I’m really excited to be doing something I love and making a difference to the lives of others.

Thank you to everyone – friends, family and Refuge support workers – for helping me along the way. The growth had to come from me but it wouldn’t have been possible without you all.

*Name has been changed. You can read our original article in the News section of bigissuenorth.com